River Quest

I offer my apologies in advance if I don't return your calls or text messages this week. That's because for the next four days, I'll be in Canada covering one of the more insane sporting events I will have ever witnessed.


Wednesday marks the start of the Yukon River Quest, a race in which teams of canoers and kayakers frenetically paddle 460 miles down the Yukon River. The route, from Whitehorse to Dawson City in the Yukon, is the same one the stampeders paddled during the gold rush, immediately before realizing all the gold was already claimed and their months-long journey from Skagway was a complete waste of time.

At a leisurely pace, paddling this stretch typically takes nine days. The best River Questers do it in two. This requires a careful balance of rowing in unison, guzzling energy drinks, scarfing down food pre-packed in plastic bags, peeing in bottles and coordinating five-minute naps with your teammates amidst the chaotic splashing and yelling.

I know all of this because my editor Jeff is one of these crazy paddlers. Jeff helped create the River Quest 13 years ago, and after sitting it out the past five years, has assembled an eight-person team to represent Skagway. They're not the most competitive paddlers in the world — in fact, while racing in the two-person division with his wife a few years ago, Jeff managed to log the slowest time in River Quest history at 104 hours. But they've been training hard the past few months, and the crew is gunning for 55 hours this year. Also, their team name is Team Skagnificient, so there's that.

My fellow reporter Katie and I leave tomorrow to start our coverage of the race, meaning from Tuesday to Saturday the entire Skagway News Team will be in Not Skagway. We have instructed residents to refrain from creating news during this period. In the meantime Katie and I will be camping in the Canadian wilderness at night and reporting during the day. We'll be passengers on the media boat, from which she will take pictures and I will propel myself off like a flying squirrel onto the backs of unsuspecting kayakers as they rush by. You know, sports journalism. At night, we will gaze wistfully into the crackling campfire while sharing stories of our homelands. I will ward off bears by staring directly into their eyes and understanding their lives, and Who They Truly Are.

River Quest is upon us, friends. Catch the thrill.

BeardWatch: I have graduated from having scruff to having a full-fledged, yet very modest, beard. It has the consistency of a shower scrub and is visible from a distance of 200 yards, or two football fields.